Sunday, January 11, 2015

Fat Fiona Writes

SheFeet has been feeling the cold a little too much lately. Being the winter grump that she is, she has been spending most of her time in bed with a hot water bottle and near that GODAWFUL HEATER FROM HELL (that thing gives me the creeps). Since she was being lazy about blogging, I thought I’d pitch in and write a post this week. As you can see from my photograph above, I’m a very well read cat.

SheFeet has been acting all weird these days. When she's not lolling around in bed, she spends most of her time at her computer, typing away furiously and brushes me away when I try to walk over the keyboard (I swear I press ctrl+s on my way across). Well what can I say, humans are odd!

It has been a month since I’ve been living with SheFeet and HeFeet and my life has been good so far. I have my own room and a nice velvety chair that was initially used by the Feet but has now been monopolized by me of course. The latest addition to my room is a scratching post, which I don’t use, because I prefer scratching the curtains instead.  

SheFeet has this annoying habit of frequently shouting “NO”, especially when I’m having the most fun, like balancing myself on the TV,  getting inside their cupboards, sitting atop their very high bookshelf (that’s where I get the best view of pigeons you see), or jumping on top of the fridge (so much fun!). Most times I’m pulled off these surfaces, or lured off very cleverly with a feather stick (argh these humans, they take advantage of being the superior species).
Another very irritating habit SheFeet has is of scooping me off the ground, hugging me close and cooing “Whoosa pretty girl, whoosa pretty girl?” I mean come on, I think we all KNOW who the pretty girl is! It’s certainly not SheFeet because she doesn’t even have a nice pair of whiskers. Stupid, stupid humans!

The other day I heard HeFeet telling SheFeet that he suspects I have no brain. Imagine the cheek! I’m so pissed off. They've wounded my pride. What do these humans think I am- a cute little ball of fluff they can enamour with a feather stick! I’m planning on using his face as a scratching post next. Just wait.

The only reason I mildly tolerate SheFeet is because she regularly supplies me with chicken and cleans my litter box, or else I don’t see why I need these two humans in my house. HeFeet is okay too, he playfully chases me around the house and on days SheFeet isn’t around, feeds me chicken and gives me empty grocery bags to play with.

A few days ago SheFeet brought me some foul smelling Tuna which she lovingly placed on my plate. I gave the plate one disgusted sniff and walked away as soon as I could. The thing is I HATE FISH! These stupid humans and their silly stereotypes about cats. The next day she placed some milk in my bowl, which disgusted me further. I looked SheFeet straight in the eye and gave her a look which meant “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!”

SheFeet has clearly been reading some stupid things about cats on the internet. If only she’d realize that I love chicken and paranthas. Arrey I’m a Punjabi cat yaar, this fish and milk is good for those Angrez cats. And ohh chicken sausages are nice too!

I’ve noticed that the Feet have a room in the house called the Bathroom, which is where they keep their litter boxes. It’s pretty disgusting really because there’s water in there and my paws get all wet when I go inside. I believe the Feet “Take Showers” which means they pour water on their bodies to clean themselves. Ugh, how frightful to have to do something like THAT! I do a much better job washing myself with my tongue.
Anyhow, I think I’ll leave now. I’ve overheard the Feet talking about going out for coffee (it’s a vile thing they like to drink) and I’ve just noticed a bean bag I haven’t jumped on in a while. It’s going to be so much fun clawing at that while they’re away!
Bye bye.

(This post has partly been inspired by this one)

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